Thursday, July 25, 2013

Sorry for the absence. Life happens.

I super apologize to all of my readers for the absence. To say it's been a little tough around here would be playing things down. Life happens. And I've never been more in tune to that until this stage in my  life.

First, we had a cancer scare. For those who don't know me, or my family - my husband is a 4 time cancer survivor. Most of that was before I came along, but at least once per year we get a good jab in the ribs from our Enemy C. This time it was severe pain, that lead to bloodwork, that lead to ultra sounds, that lead to scans... all vague, yet leaving us both scared and biting our nails to the nubs.

I deal with my fear by asking questions, he deals with his fear by ignoring it, which makes for quite the hard house to live in for this process. We reunite as it all culminates with tears and admission of our true feelings as we hug tighter than ever in the kitchen, but it still makes me so mad that it robs precious moments from our lives. Most times I know, I just know, every cell in his body is healthy, but then my mind strays its way to visions of explaining to our son why daddy isn't here. I try not to let those visions live in my mind, they don't belong here. I know we have it much better than many families that face this disease... As of today we haven't found sufficient cause for the pain - so deducting that the cause is not cancer.  But we'll still always be a slave to it. I have to accept it's part of our lives. I'm just thankful we're super vigilant.

Next stop, putting down my beloved Weimaraner of 11 years. Good God. Losing a pet is the terrible. (Not to downplay the above battle and value of a human life). Truthfully, I've never had to deal with the death of an animal so closely. She was my first sole responsibility pet. I got her when I was 20 - so we grew up together. I discovered who I was, who I wasn't, around everyone who was or wasn't with her by my side. Often times I was probably entirely too selfish to be a good or even decent owner, but she loved me with that little heart and wagging nubby tail regardless. 

In typical Weimaraner fashion, at times I wanted to kill her, other times I thought she hung the moon. She had such character, was a complete pain-in-the-ass, totally spastic, incredibly loyal, unbelievably funny and far too smart to be a dog. There will never be another Rainey.

After two weeks, I still cry at just about every memory, but I feel blessed to have them. I hope she knows we made what we felt was the best decision for her and our family. I often feel guilty, I would have kept her forever, but being on the other side I do feel like it was the right thing. I just don't want her to judge me, but then I stop and think, that dog never judged me, she only ever loved me with every fiber in her being. 

To combat the sadness, I still talk to her. Technically, she's present, her ashes are in a box in the family room. But just like anything that passes, I still feel her in my heart and connect to her with immense fondness. For the longest time she was my world and my first "baby" - it's just so hard.  

Thankfully we still have our sweet pittie Raven, so the house isn't dogless, and we're busy helping each other cope with the loss - and chasing around a baby who is on the move non-stop. 

Today, Rainey's nose prints finally got cleaned off the sliding glass door, something I'd been holding on to... and no sooner than they were gone did my darling baby, my real first baby, slap his sweet, pudgy, drool covered hand on the pristine glass leaving his print. It warmed my heart - the progression of life.


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