Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Love makes everything more complicated and beautiful, but all it takes is a little faith.

Yesterday was one of those days I couldn't deal with. And not in an insufferable way, but like many days since having my first child, I just can't figure out some of my emotions and where they are coming from. For some reason when you have a child things you dealt with prior with manageability are now seemingly ever more complicated. 

You see, I work for an association, and one of our executive board members passed away suddenly over the weekend. Was I close to him? No. I had met him once, in which he was genuinely eager to shake my hand because I represented a new direction for the association, which really left an impression, but personally we shared no connection. All day I fielded calls on his passing with such a business approach and public relations perspective, what sounded best. But I found myself sitting at my desk more than once mulling over the fact that he passed on the day of his sons graduation, and what a day that must have been. He had 4 sons. I have one. It turns out all I could think about was my one. 

I came home, not in a bad mood, but somber. I was soaking in every smile, every giggle, every sound, every single breath and every single ounce of my child. An increasing realization was looming over me that life isn't permanent. There is no time line, there is no plan. We will go when God is ready. Now that I have someone I am responsible for, I relate everything to him. I look in his beautiful eyes and almost silently apologize that one day I will die - as if that isn't something we will all experience, that it's my fault. I will leave him with pain. Just as one day my parents will pass and leave me with pain, not purposely, but because we share so much love. God forbid my child pass before me, which is all too real of a possibility as well, especially on a day like today. 

I hate facing the realities now because I have a small person who grounds me, who makes me face them, whom I have to answer to. My husband has valiantly faced reality in the form of death, many times, being a 4 time cancer survivor... but even he agrees with me that we don't ever want our child to go to daycare, how could we ever leave town without him, we will homeschool, can't we live in a bubble? Fear has found a home in our hearts and it hurts. But thankfully, God also lives there and He is by far stronger. And where God lives, so does love. 

I do know these feelings of fear and pain are part of love. You can't have one without the other. All of these emotions are a part of my new found vulnerability, and in a sense, there is incredible beauty there. I was speaking with a friend the other day, we were in public, and she said, "I can't talk about that, I'll tear up" - and thank God she didn't go further, because I already was tearing up, but in the back of my mind I realized "this is a true moment and an incredible one... because this is what makes life life". It's what makes it beautiful.

So, the point of my post is that the indefinite nature of it all is what makes it all truly valuable. If I knew I'd keep something forever, I wouldn't cherish it. There is a glaring realization that is further more intense since having a child that I cannot control anything other than my faith and my ability to love. And even should someone I "can't live without" leave this earth, if I loved them with my every breath and intention, I did what I was meant to and that is what will live on forever. 

I continue to figure it all out and I continue to thank God for letting me slowly discover the breadth of what I am capable of doing and feeling and the amount of faith I can muster up. (And I honestly believe that is His intention, for if we knew it all from the start, we'd have no wonder, no depth, no true understanding of Him). I wake up with a smile that I have my family to wake up to and I love them (including the dogs) with every beat of my heart until the sun goes down. It doesn't mean it's pretty. It doesn't mean I'm not tired. It doesn't mean I get it right. If I'm lucky, I'll wake up and have the chance to do it all again the next day, maybe with more grace, maybe not, but always  knowing that no matter the situation, I'll love them all the way through. 

And love never dies. The rest, is up to faith.

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